E

where would I be if.. plagues my curiousity the entire day. yes, even in a Virgin.

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 07:27:12 GMT

If I got any gayer sometimes.. how sensitive can I be, really?

But christ, it's just a good song, isn't it?

People with their own words are fools. Maybe I'm just too drunk and too insomniatic today.

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart; you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when
my heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my lover.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a Dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me.
Remember us, and all we used to be.
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

the last song on an old, outdated, longwinded album, or: Closure

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 05:05:22 GMT

she's got a pretty smile
it covers up the poison that she hides
she walks around in circles in my head
waiting for a chance to break me
a chance to take me down
now I see the burden you gave me ...
Is too much to carry,
too much to bury inside ...

I guess you're the only one
that nobody changes
I guess you're the only one
left standing when everything else goes down
you're still the only one

it's all shallow and all so appealing now
I'm up to my ankles and I'm drowning anyway in a sea of
sarcastic faces
familiar places
everything looks quite the same here it's
all confusingly amusing
bitter and tainted
the picture you painted to me

I guess you're the only one
that nobody changes
guess you're the only one
left standing when everything else goes down
you're still the only one
who will never change faces
I guess you're the only one

SO it goes..
Perhaps I'm the only one nobody changes instead? Perhaps, for all my slickness, I am the least adaptive. Christ, what was I doing all that time? What's it been now, several years since bullshit stone circles and attempts to drink myself to death with travis donia sitting in a window overlooking nothing not worrying too much about falling out? I realize the one area I didnt measure up, sacrifice... I couldnt sacrifice myself, my prior ambitions, my motives before... I couldnt do what was needed... I didnt want to, and that's damn fine, y'know? No complaints, life works out well in the end they say, right?
I'm just a really bad samurai... or was. Christ, all that time...
Perhaps you cant be changed, perhaps your biggest sin is the ability, the desire, to be too readily adaptive. Something that hasn't changed in more than a decade.
It was all bullshit, wasn't it? Sometimes, in retrospect, it feels that way, Estella..
Sometimes, in retrospect, it feels like you were truly real sometimes, susanna..
It was all bullshit, wasn't it?

I end the album with my song, not yours, in the largest bit of sacrifice I ever mustered..

Enough of this, and this LJ bullshit. I never wanted to do this anyway..
Middle fingers on the Private Stock, bottles all around, end of album end of journal, dont ask me any questions at all..

Alright, don't worry, we'll all float on..

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 05:16:46 GMT

"I miss you more than you can imagine.
You are all that is clean and cool and pure.
I close my eyes and fix my thoughts on your face."

I then realize I have crafted another perfect war club, and would just do better to have my throat slit.

Never met a man that could slit my throat, although I've met plenty who would like to.

I float on.

Sat, 17 Jul 2004 06:17:34 GMT

" imagine what a lovely, quiet place the world would be if everyone had their throats slit "

On blood, love, honor, war and hesitation

Mon, 12 Jul 2004 05:09:56 GMT

this is my favorite song this summer. Sing along, damn it.

Fumbling his confidence
And wondering why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he's bid for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

Dreaming about Providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we're bent and broken, broken

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life, yeah

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live
We were meant to live

Sun, 11 Jul 2004 05:32:50 GMT

i'm very lonely today. It's been a problem filled week, haven't had much joy. I've been keeping the smile on, though, y'know, for their sake.

havent really spoken to anyone lately, since expressing my worry of him to my little brother, explaining things to him. I bought an ice cream cone from a truck, today, and I saw a praying mantis. I've been looking for one for just about thirteen years now. I didn't have anyone to tell, though, not like when I was seven. I chuckled at that notion, mind you, no bitchin' therein.

My birthday is in four days, and I'm not looking forward to it. People tend to show their appreciation for others on their birthday, and leave out the rest of the days. Last year this time I was making the club that would guard that same little brother. I felt lonely then too.

Oh well, though, right? I can't sleep because the nightmares are back. I've got a new one based on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind now, too. It takes back seat to the standard recollections though, and I suppose it doesnt matter either way.

Without the ability to sleep, and given that the sectional sofa is so horrendously uncomfortable, I have only one option: to wander my love affair, wander my disappearing city. So, in honor of this journey, and because, these last four days, it has been so fitting, I close this chapter with the following:

On a lonely, lonesome highway
East of Omaha
You can listen to the engine
moanin' out its one note song
You can think about the woman
or the girl you knew the night before
But your thoughts will soon be wandering
the way they always do
When you're ridin' sixteen hours
and there's nothin' much to do
And you don't feel much like ridin',
you just wish the trip was through

Here I am
On the road again
There I am
Up on the stage
Here I go
Playin' star again
There I go
Turn the page

So you walk into this restaurant,
strung out from the road
And you feel the eyes upon you
as you're shakin' off the cold
You pretend it doesn't bother you
but you just want to explode

Yeah, Most times you can't hear 'em talk,
other times you can
All the same old cliches,
"Is it woman, is it man?"
And you always seem outnumbered,
you don't dare make a stand
Make your stand

Here I am
On the road again
There I am
Up on the stage
Here I go
Playin' star again
There I go
Turn the page

.... Out there in the spotlight
you're a million miles away
Every ounce of energy
you try to give away
As the sweat pours out your body
like the music that you play

Later in the evening
as you lie awake in bed
With the echoes of the amplifiers
ringin' in your head
You smoke the day's last cigarette,
rememberin' what she said ....

Here I am
On the road again
There I am
Up on the stage
Here I go
Playin' star again
There I go
Turn the page

Here I am
On the road again
There I am
Up on the stage
Here I go
Playin' star again
There I go
There I go

from a samurai

Wed, 07 Jul 2004 06:59:41 GMT

So what, life's rough
You should get over yourself
Like everyone else and enjoy
The girls and the boys
And everything in between
Serena, in an effort to aviod
The things that annoy you
You hide-far, far away
And life just passes you by

Serena

Are you gonna give up
Are you gonna give out
Ain't that a shame
You've got no one to blame
But your conscience
If it doesn't make sense
I know that only to well
So tell me
Did it happen one day
When the day that you faced
Wasn't happening
It just didn't bring
Anything more
Anything more than despair

Serena
Serena

Do you remember, the morning would come
And just like a child filled with the sun
And the hours never seemed long
Where have those days gone?
Beyond us...
Or so you would believe
But I can't agree, those illusions
Will you ever get through them
And find the diamond,
Find the diamond inside

Serena...
Serena...
Serena..

Will you?

Thu, 01 Jul 2004 07:06:58 GMT

" 'You think a man can change his destiny?'
'I like a man who does what he can until his destiny is revealed.' "

Aye, me too. No man can claim to have done all he could, but I've tried. I'm doing alright.

Just because somethings antique or outdated doesn't mean it's wrong. Sometimes it can be more right. I look forward to being washed over by this globe. I cannot survive here. If I am destroyed by this place, the ills I see, then I know I have lived well.
I know I have not sold my soul to them.

" 'Every soldier has nightmares...'
'Only one who is ashamed of what he has done.'
'You have no idea...' "

And these nightmares keep me in check. They keep me guarding over sleepy women who dont have much time to sleep. They keep me grounded in the best way. I hate them, but they keep me.

So what's it all for? All this honor crap I try to live by. The perpetual struggle to obtain the pastoral. What's my motive for meditation, practice, and the fight?

"A lotus blossom is a rare thing. One can spend his life searching for one and it would not be a wasted life..."

These antique hands have, and will continue to. Too much.

Pride

Wed, 23 Jun 2004 04:22:36 GMT

They can't break me or shake me.
They're too fake to come kill me.
Think they faith this was satan.
They mistake me I'm filthy.
Rich off the ghetto madness,
so now they wanna dare me;
it's gonna be a murder.
Confront me; the burners are empty...
Middle Passage, I made it.
I'm from the land of David.
The Nazarene of Bethlehem: they had me wrapped in blankets
That bunch of backward gangsters,
That sign of affidavits
Snitches with smile-like faces
got you blowin' trial I hate this
Hopin' my child can see through this,
tryin' to be a good daddy
I was there when she was born. and she'll be there when I'm buried
Kind o' waitin' is scary...
All my years have prepared me...
What I fear is my temper...
I see straight to the center..
Right through a man's soul,
Straight through his eyes,
straight through his heart,
I'm still alive
how did I make it this far?
'Cause I been high, I been low,
searchin' for a way to go
Every single night I pray.
And Lord I'm on this battleground,
lost just waitin' to be found
I guess it's just a warrior's way

This is the song, for my warriors
A warrior song Bravehearted and strong, definition of a warrior
Definition of a warrior
Gonna keep marchin' on, to the sound of her own beatin' drum

Fight 'til the fight is over,
for my peoples I die see.
When you thought they were soldiers they turned out to be nobodies
I think they out to get me,
helpless was livin' sinful
If you was me
all this pain I'm feelin would bend and kill you
(I'm a Warrior)
It only made me stronger
But in my head it gets darker who wishin' evil on ya
Sometimes I wish I was dead
But I took heed to the cause.
(I'm a Warrior, yeah)
'Cause I been high I been low, searchin' for a way to go
Every single night I pray/
And Lord I'm on this battleground,
lost just waitin' to be found
I guess it's just the warrior's way...

Last night, rather than sleep as I planned,I had quite the bit of fun. I escorted my friends tree to tree, bush to bush, gutter to gutter, and escaped our pursuers with true skill. I and my closest were no further than five steps from the party in question at our closest meeting. They did not see us.

Vive Le Resistance.

I made my first kill with a bow today. A rat who ran perpendicular to me as I target shot. I simply aimed quickly and fired from instinct. His back broke and I pierced his side. Convulsions. I finished him off with a shot to the head.

I learn quickly, it seems.

I sometimes love the dark arts.

on Good Times

Mon, 21 Jun 2004 04:26:12 GMT

I sat in the back of a dented Mitsubishi De Coupe with my 7 yr old nephew yesterday. His soprano voice and my baritone were set to the followinf song. I didnt sing it all, I left out words and phrases so as he was the lead vocal and I the accompaniment. We actually had a good sound; the boy can sing, and I accompany well. I suppose we both sang with alot of emotion. He actually seemed like he meant it. Good times.

It's gonna burn for me to say this
But it's comin from my heart
It's been a long time coming
But we done been fell apart
Really wanna work this out
But I don't think you're gonna change
I do but you don't
Think it's best we go our separate ways
Tell me why I should stay in this relationship
When I'm hurting baby, I ain't happy baby
Plus theres so many other things I gotta deal with
I think that you should let it burn

When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might ruin you
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
We know that it's through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

Sendin' pages I ain't supposed to
Got somebody here but I want you
Cause the feelin ain't the same found myself
Callin' her your name
Ladies tell me do you understand?
Now all my fellas do you feel my pain?
It's the way I feel
I know I made a mistake
Now it's too late
she ain't comin back
What I gotta do now
To get my shorty back
Ooo ooo ooo oooo
Man I don't know what I'm gonna do
Without my booo
You've been gone for too long
It's been fifty-leven days, um-teen hours
Imma be burnin' till you return (let it burn)

When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might ruin you
Let it burn (let it burn, let it burn, you gon'learn)
Let it burn (gotta let it burn)
Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know its best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
We know that it's through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

I'm twisted 'cause one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry (ooooh)
I'm twisted 'causeone side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry (yeah)

Oo oo oo oo oo ooo
Oo oo ooo (can ya feel me burnin'?)
Oo oo oo ooo oo ooo

So many days, so many hours
I'm still burnin' till you return

When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might ruin you
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
We know that it's through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

It was sunny, and I felt black again. I leaned back and put my head in the sunlight pouring through the rear windshield. I took a sip of Johnnie Walker, and found myself home from the small, ineffectual, pointless Juneteenth parade.

Good times.

i'm in the dark here, you understand? I'm in the dark...

Thu, 10 Jun 2004 04:53:39 GMT

Scent of a Woman lets me know its ok to feel how i feel about things, the women I've loved, my ethyl, all the beauty. It reminds me that its ok for a man to use his nose. And for a warrior to drag his head in shame, even if he is a good warrior.

Slade and I have the same ambition, and the same defects.

For one, we both juggle hand grenades...

they didnt turn the lights on in the theater, we couldnt see our way out

Wed, 09 Jun 2004 04:25:52 GMT

I always said I give every song a chance once. Can't hate everything a band puts out.

She said, "I've Gotta Be Honest,
you're wasting time if your're fishing round here,"
and I said, "You must be mistaken
'Cause I'm not fooling.
This feeling is real."
And she said, she said, "You've gotta be crazy.
What do you take me for, some kind of easy mark?
You got wits, you got looks, you got passion,
but I swear that you've got me all wrong, all wrong,
but you've got me."

I'll be true.
I'll be useful.
I'll be cavalier.
I'll be yours, my dear,
and I'll belong to you if you just let me through.

This is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor made.
What's the sense of waiting?

I said, "I've Gotta Be Honest,
I've been waiting for you all my life.
For so long I thought I was asylum bound,
but just seeing you makes me think twice.
The feel of you here makes me sane.
I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my sight.
You've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion,
but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?
Tonight, tonight...
You've got me..."

I'll be true.
I'll be useful.
I'll be cavalier.
I'll be yours, my dear,
and I'll belong to you if you just let me through.

This is easy as lovers go,
so dont complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor made.
What's the sense of waiting?

hehe

Sat, 29 May 2004 05:46:12 GMT

I noticed the other night, over some Walker and alot of alone down time, that there is a weird pattern with the women I've dealt with in this life. It seems that I am only graced with the presence of such beautiful, amorous, wholesome, poisonous creatures when they are in times and modes of darkness, pain, melancholy, fear etc. I have no place in their worlds when they find their happiness. This is a shame; i try very hard to help them to happiness.
You gonna do that?

the song:
You may not see the end of it,
but luckily she comes around.
It isn't what she talks about;
it's just the way she is.

...and she says
Ooh darlin', don't you know?
The darkness comes and the darkness goes.
she says
Ooh babe, why don't you let it go?
Happiness aint never how you think it should be so.

I mystified the simple life.
I covered up with consciousness.
I saw myself and broke it down
'til nothing more was left.
She saw the symptoms right away,
and spoke to me in poetry.
Sometimes the more you wonder why
The worse it seems to get.

...and she says
Ooh darlin', don't you know?
The darkness comes and the darkness goes.
she says
Ooh babe, why don't you let it go?
Happiness aint never how you think it should be so.

She runs away
She runs away...

And then you know there comes a time
you need her more than anything.
You may believe yours are the wounds
that only she can heal.
Then everything will turn around,
and she becomes so serious.
What she chose to offer you
was all that you could have.

...and she says
Ooh darlin', don't you know?
The darkness comes and the darkness goes.
she says
Ooh babe, why don't you let it go?
Happiness aint never how you think it should be so.
She runs away
She runs away

omens, a list:

Wed, 19 May 2004 04:44:03 GMT

hehe, to me there are some spooky ones:

Loki bit me by accident. That happens to be the first time that has ever happened.

I dropped my knife today, switching from front grip to forward grip. I never do this. I was sitting on my couch. It hit a high fire goblet and bounced off slicing the thumb knuckle on my right hand. The blade chipped.

I went hunting this morning. I switched my style a bit, and my choice of my blade. I hit a duck; I can't say I meant to, or thought I could, he was probably about half a block away and I only had a small knife. I suppose it was my first kill. But he only bled and flew away, I couldnt actually eat him. This is as bad as Samuel hunting Buffalo before he was to War.

The other night the ship said we'd meet in Venice, again.

Four omens in like two days... I brace myself.

you ever get a song stuck in your head you havent heard in years?

Mon, 17 May 2004 06:07:01 GMT

this used to be my favorite song, a long time ago, in elementary school. It got into my head yesterday. I've been singing it far too much for my good. From memory, it goes:

She grabs her magazines.
She packs her things and she goes.
She leaves the pictures hanging on the wall..
she burns all her notes,
and she knows
she's been here too few years
To feel this old.

He smokes his cigarette;
he stays outside 'till it's gone.
If anybody ever had a heart,
he wouldn't be alone.
He knows
she's been here too few years
to be gone

Well.

And we always say,
it would be good to go away
someday,
but if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hang

The trouble, understand,
is she got reasons he don't.
Funny how he couldn't see at all,
'til she grabbed up her coat
and she goes.
She's been here too few years
to take it all in stride,
but still it's much too long,
to let hurt go - let her go -

And we always say,
it would be good to go away
someday,
but if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hang
If it's the same for you
I'll always hang

Well I always say,
it would be good to go away,
But if things don't work out like we think...
And there's nothing there to ease this achin'...
if there's nothing there to make things change...
If it's the same for you, I'll just hang.

Yea. Scotch is good. Bareknuckling for two hours is better. Hang.

Thu, 15 Apr 2004 22:51:12 GMT

"when i try to analyze my own cravings, motives, actions and so forth, I surrender to a sort of retrospective imagination which feeds the analytic faculty with boundless alternatives and which causes each visualized route to fork and re-fork without end in the maddeningly complex prospect of my past."

the record skips

Wed, 07 Apr 2004 17:30:59 GMT

I listen to the wind
To the wind of my soul (and it's howling)
Where I'll end up well I think,
Only God really knows
I've sat upon the setting sun
But never, never never never
I never wanted water once (i didn't ask for anything)
No, never, never, never

I listen to my words but
They fall far below (far below even my expectations)
I let my music take me where
My heart wants to go
I swam upon the devil's lake
But never, never never never
I'll never make the same mistake (usually)
No, never, never, never

That lake he's talking about:

if shame had a face i think it would kind of look like mine
if it had a home would it be my eyes?
would you believe me if i said i am tired of this?
now here we go now one more time
i try to climb your steps
i try to chase you down
i try to see how low i can get down to the ground
i try to earn my way
i try to change this mind
you better believe i'm tryin' to beat this
when will this end?
it goes on and on
over and over
and over again
keep spinning around
i know it won't stop
'til i step down from this for good
i never thought i'd end up here
never thought i'd be standing where i am
i guess i kind of thought it would be easier than this
i guess i was wrong now one more time
when will this end?
it goes on and on
over and over
and over again
keep spinning around
i know it won't stop
'til i step down from this for good
this is a sick cycle carousel this is a sick cycle, yeah

next track...

Lamentation

Fri, 26 Mar 2004 05:11:22 GMT

The poor soul sat sighing by a sycamore tree,
Sing all a green willow:
Her hand on her bosom, her head on her knee,
Sing willow, willow, willow:
The fresh streams ran by her, and murmur'd her moans;
Sing willow, willow, willow;
Her salt tears fell from her, and soften'd the stones;--
Sing willow, willow, willow;
Sing all a green willow must be my garland.
Let nobody blame him; his scorn I approve,--
I call'd my love false love; but what said he then?
Sing willow, willow, willow:
If I court more women, you'll couch with more men--
-Desdemona Act IV sc III

Hang her! I do but say what she is: so delicate
with her needle: an admirable musician: O! she
will sing the savageness out of a bear: of so high
and plenteous wit and invention:--
-Othello Act IV sc I

My head hurts...and my eyes... and all think me strong, so no one cares to ask me word. I receive not hug daily, as some, nor does anyone question the movements of my soul, as I they. Women sing the savageness out of a bear...and leave him sleeping. Questions unanswered, and my words left without reply, I sit here and stare into blank space to the sounds of pissing, and snoring, and muffled tv, and the sounds of my own breathing: dragon's breath with sulfur and ash choking the very pipes.

I have just got through watching, then reading, William Shakespeare's Othello, and how I remember its old resonance. How I see his visions still, in my trances, and lament for his lamentation. How I have seen his visions many a time: the faces of suitors embedded in the hips of those gone, morphing into demon exes of coffee mug reflections so as they may take my place, Chasing Amy from east to hudson, brooklyn to bridgeport, less and more than ignored, for twice the guilt and pain. Oh all ye that feared this moor, this circumcised dog, I lay at your feet thus...

i am too much...
and self destructive...
they call me love, and I love you, and different, special, strong, irreplaceable, eternal, angel...Damnation!!! take your words from my head cursed ravens, you all lie against me... were i these things might I not feel this way... might I not be beguiled by myself...
might I not relate to Othello, Gatsby, Rimbaud... fictions, all! all of us!

"There is nothing here but war
and the murderin' cannons roar...
and I wish i were at home
in dear old Dublin..."

hehe...why are you so quiet?

Sat, 20 Mar 2004 07:16:52 GMT

schizoid

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

sing me to sleep; place on my album

Sun, 29 Feb 2004 21:55:30 GMT

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
Still a little piece of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer to me
Still I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer each day
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't want to scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

I can't make this any more more pithy than it is..

Fri, 20 Feb 2004 08:44:50 GMT

"what can i tell you
it's not your concern
you win some, you lose some
well, i've lost and i've learned
always so lonely
with no place to turn
well, i learn.

well, i'm not complaining
thats how it goes
there's always some heartache
in this world I suppose
But you can't imagine
nobody knows...
no, nobody knows.."

goodnight erick, sleep well

Fri, 20 Feb 2004 08:28:21 GMT

My day and night:

Today was a bad day. The registrar and admissions made every attempt to fuck me in the ass with a Zweinhander. They're nice people for satan's brood.

The college boards, and the men there, sorry, Gods, dont punish me Oh College Board, tried to charge me forty dollars to get a date. forty dollars and three weeks.

Harding had to be called to get my needed information. Bless Harding.

Strolled down to court st. strolled back.

Hung around. Mostly argued. Ate chinese food.

Hopped on the G train toward Hoyt Schermerhorn, got harassed by a cop a little. He was bored; he was still an asshole.

either the a or c to broadway nassau.

saw my old friend, God, at broadway and nassau. This guy wanted to shoot me in the head at one point for protecting a lady he said looked at him funny. She was trying to subvert him. he created all this shit, he'll burn it down. I'm his son, she his daughter... he'd shoot all us motherfuckers. I just didnt want to have to hit him that time... he isnt accountable... anyway, saw him again.

His feet, apparently, shrank. "Something's horribly wrong, something's wrong. Sir will you help me? fuck you too. Somebody fuckin help me. something's wrong"
to me: "hey man, help me."
"sure, what do you need?"
"my feet man"
"what's wrong with 'em?"
"they shrunk"
"shrunk?"
"yea, man. they're smaller. my feet, man, my shoes are too big."
"y'know, you're right. I've seen this kind of thing before.."
"really man?"
"yea, see what happened was your feet did shrink, but they're ok now."
"really man? you sure?"
"yea. try your shoes on, i bet they fit."
"you're right! thanks man"
"not a problem"
hop on the j.

go to Essex, walk over to Delancey.
Stand.
Stand.
Stand.
Walk outside.... look...stand.
Get a slice of cheese pizza, and a coke from the store next store.
Stand.
Go downstairs. Stand.
Cross the street, look.
Cross the street, stand.
Get harassed by a cop. Walk around the block.
Stand another twenty minutes.
Hop on the j the opposite direction.

Hop on the a or c.

Girl gets on the train, red head.
sits next to me.
she has the most horrible cut on her neck i've ever seen in my entire life.
"hi," she says.
"hi," I say.
She apparently likes me. She stares at my reflection the whole way to Hoyt.
Were it not for her being nearly decapitated she'd be pretty.
I don't talk to her. The only question I've got for her is, "madam, what happened to your neck?"
This, as everyone knows, is inappropriate.
I look back ath Hoyt; she waves; i shudder. Genuinely cold.
Stand.
Stand.
the g's running really slowly.
stand.
some black girl rants and raves. mostly to me. as if i control the damned steel tube. I'm ace fucking lightning; i can make the fucking train faster with my damned electricty.
she likes me; she keeps smiling.
I want to kick her into the train tracks.
I don't.

Get off the g, go back home. drink some black label, here i am.

my one bit of kind words this day: goodnight erick, sleep well

hehehe
and you say you can't see whats so damn funny...

on a pier..

Thu, 29 Jan 2004 07:05:54 GMT

There’s gotta be a record of you some place
You gotta be on somebody’s books
The lowdown - a picture of your face
Your injured looks

The sacred and profane
The pleasure and the pain
Somewhere your fingerprints remain concrete
And it’s your face I’m looking for on every street

A ladykiller - regulation tattoo
Silver spurs on his heels
Says - what can I tell you as I’m standing next to you
She threw herself under my wheels
Oh it’s a dangerous road
And a hazardous load
And the fireworks over liberty expode in the heat
And it’s your face I’m looking for on every street

A three-chord symphony crashes into space
The moon is hanging upside down
I don’t know why it is I’m still on the case
It’s a ravenous town
And you still refuse to be traced
Seems to me such a waste
And every victory has a taste that’s bittersweet
And it’s your face I’m looking for on every street

Real

Tue, 27 Jan 2004 19:41:29 GMT

Ooh hey
I'm trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Ooh hey
I'm trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Didn't cha know, didn't cha know
Tried to move but I lost my way
Didn't cha know, didn't cha know
Stopped to watch my emotions sway
Didn't cha know, didn't cha know
Knew the toll, but I would not pay
Didn't cha know, didn't cha know
Cause you never know where the cards may lay

Time to save the world
Where in the world is all the time
So many things I still don't know
So many times I've changed my mind
Guess I was born to make mistakes
But I ain't scared to take the weight
So when I stumble off the path
I know my heart will guide me back

Ooh hey
I'm trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Ooh hey
I'm trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Didn't cha know, didn't cha know
Tried to run but I lost my way
Didn't cha know, didn't cha know
Stopped to watch my emotions sway
Didn't cha know, didn't cha know
Knew the toll but I would not pay
Didn't cha know, didn't cha know
I said ya never know how the cards may lay

Love is life, and life is free
Take a ride on life with me
Free your mind and find your way
There will be a brighter day

Love is life, and life is free
Take a ride on life with me
Free your mind and find your way
There will be a brighter day

I havent been sleeping at night lately... i listened to Loki whimper all night Saturday. I think Loki has regrets. Loki and I are the same.

I made a wrong turn.. and for this I have lost.

I transfer next semester. Goodbye.

You say ya like to travel,
But you don't even have a ride.
Say you like walkin' around,
But your shoes won't fit.
I like certain people,
But with wise words to give.
I'm walkin' down onto the pier.
Talk to the voice I hear

Said I be leavin'.
I'm lookin' for my wings in the sky.
My journey's long over,
And my body's tired.
So when I'm leavin,
I'll make sure I tell you good-bye.
I know somebody really loves me,
But I gotta be leavin'.

You say you like nothin',
But somethin's always on your mind.
You say ya don't think much,
But you're always tellin' lies.
I can read you.
I'll pack my bags and be on my way...
I can't stay here..

Said I'll be leavin'.
I'm lookin' for my wings in the sky.
My journey's long over,
And my body's tired.
So when I'm leavin,
I'll make sure I tell you good-bye.
I know somebody really loves me,
But I gotta be leavin'.

I never knew it'd be so hard..

Goodbye...

hear ye! hear ye!

Mon, 05 Jan 2004 07:41:56 GMT

tonight I have played and won the game of scrabble.
My final score was the magnificent, commendable,scrumptious score of 294 points,
the loser posted a mere, measly, weak, untasty 147...
The best word of my game:rouse.
the worst of my opponents: coot.
Victory is Mine. All bow before me.