| where would I be if.. plagues my curiousity the entire day. yes, even in a Virgin. |
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| 02:17am 01/11/2005 |
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mood:  curious music: James Blunt album newly purchased
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If I got any gayer sometimes.. how sensitive can I be, really?
But christ, it's just a good song, isn't it?
People with their own words are fools. Maybe I'm just too drunk and too insomniatic today.
Did I disappoint you or let you down? Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown? 'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun, Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won. So I took what's mine by eternal right. Took your soul out into the night. It may be over but it won't stop there, I am here for you if you'd only care. You touched my heart; you touched my soul. You changed my life and all my goals. And love is blind and that I knew when my heart was blinded by you. I've kissed your lips and held your head. Shared your dreams and shared your bed. I know you well, I know your smell. I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me. Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my lover. You have been the one. You have been the one for me.
I am a Dreamer but when I wake, You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take. And as you move on, remember me. Remember us, and all we used to be. I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile. I've watched you sleeping for a while. I'd be the father of your child. I'd spend a lifetime with you. I know your fears and you know mine. We've had our doubts but now we're fine, And I love you, I swear that's true. I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine. In mine when I'm asleep. And I will bear my soul in time, When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me. Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow. I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow. |
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| the last song on an old, outdated, longwinded album, or: Closure |
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| 12:57am 23/07/2004 |
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mood:  drained music: Lifehouse - Only One
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she's got a pretty smile it covers up the poison that she hides she walks around in circles in my head waiting for a chance to break me a chance to take me down now I see the burden you gave me ... Is too much to carry, too much to bury inside ...
I guess you're the only one that nobody changes I guess you're the only one left standing when everything else goes down you're still the only one
it's all shallow and all so appealing now I'm up to my ankles and I'm drowning anyway in a sea of sarcastic faces familiar places everything looks quite the same here it's all confusingly amusing bitter and tainted the picture you painted to me
I guess you're the only one that nobody changes guess you're the only one left standing when everything else goes down you're still the only one who will never change faces I guess you're the only one
SO it goes.. Perhaps I'm the only one nobody changes instead? Perhaps, for all my slickness, I am the least adaptive. Christ, what was I doing all that time? What's it been now, several years since bullshit stone circles and attempts to drink myself to death with travis donia sitting in a window overlooking nothing not worrying too much about falling out? I realize the one area I didnt measure up, sacrifice... I couldnt sacrifice myself, my prior ambitions, my motives before... I couldnt do what was needed... I didnt want to, and that's damn fine, y'know? No complaints, life works out well in the end they say, right? I'm just a really bad samurai... or was. Christ, all that time... Perhaps you cant be changed, perhaps your biggest sin is the ability, the desire, to be too readily adaptive. Something that hasn't changed in more than a decade. It was all bullshit, wasn't it? Sometimes, in retrospect, it feels that way, Estella.. Sometimes, in retrospect, it feels like you were truly real sometimes, susanna.. It was all bullshit, wasn't it?
I end the album with my song, not yours, in the largest bit of sacrifice I ever mustered..
Enough of this, and this LJ bullshit. I never wanted to do this anyway.. Middle fingers on the Private Stock, bottles all around, end of album end of journal, dont ask me any questions at all.. |
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| Alright, don't worry, we'll all float on.. |
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| 01:16am 19/07/2004 |
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mood:  worried music: Fan whirring, Legend of the Fall playing, loki whimpering
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"I miss you more than you can imagine. You are all that is clean and cool and pure. I close my eyes and fix my thoughts on your face."
I then realize I have crafted another perfect war club, and would just do better to have my throat slit.
Never met a man that could slit my throat, although I've met plenty who would like to.
I float on. |
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| 02:21am 17/07/2004 |
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mood:  calm music: none
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" imagine what a lovely, quiet place the world would be if everyone had their throats slit " |
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| On blood, love, honor, war and hesitation |
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| 01:00am 12/07/2004 |
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music: Switchfoot - Meant to Live, Tupac - Lost Souls
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this is my favorite song this summer. Sing along, damn it.
Fumbling his confidence And wondering why the world has passed him by Hoping that he's bid for more than arguments And failed attempts to fly, fly
We were meant to live for so much more Have we lost ourselves? Somewhere we live inside Somewhere we live inside We were meant to live for so much more Have we lost ourselves? Somewhere we live inside
Dreaming about Providence And whether mice or men have second tries Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open Maybe we're bent and broken, broken
We were meant to live for so much more Have we lost ourselves? Somewhere we live inside Somewhere we live inside We were meant to live for so much more Have we lost ourselves? Somewhere we live inside
We want more than this world's got to offer We want more than this world's got to offer We want more than the wars of our fathers And everything inside screams for second life, yeah
We were meant to live for so much more Have we lost ourselves? We were meant to live for so much more Have we lost ourselves? We were meant to live for so much more Have we lost ourselves? We were meant to live We were meant to live |
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| 01:25am 11/07/2004 |
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mood:  awake music: Metallica - Turn The Page
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i'm very lonely today. It's been a problem filled week, haven't had much joy. I've been keeping the smile on, though, y'know, for their sake.
havent really spoken to anyone lately, since expressing my worry of him to my little brother, explaining things to him. I bought an ice cream cone from a truck, today, and I saw a praying mantis. I've been looking for one for just about thirteen years now. I didn't have anyone to tell, though, not like when I was seven. I chuckled at that notion, mind you, no bitchin' therein.
My birthday is in four days, and I'm not looking forward to it. People tend to show their appreciation for others on their birthday, and leave out the rest of the days. Last year this time I was making the club that would guard that same little brother. I felt lonely then too.
Oh well, though, right? I can't sleep because the nightmares are back. I've got a new one based on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind now, too. It takes back seat to the standard recollections though, and I suppose it doesnt matter either way.
Without the ability to sleep, and given that the sectional sofa is so horrendously uncomfortable, I have only one option: to wander my love affair, wander my disappearing city. So, in honor of this journey, and because, these last four days, it has been so fitting, I close this chapter with the following:
On a lonely, lonesome highway East of Omaha You can listen to the engine moanin' out its one note song You can think about the woman or the girl you knew the night before But your thoughts will soon be wandering the way they always do When you're ridin' sixteen hours and there's nothin' much to do And you don't feel much like ridin', you just wish the trip was through
Here I am On the road again There I am Up on the stage Here I go Playin' star again There I go Turn the page
So you walk into this restaurant, strung out from the road And you feel the eyes upon you as you're shakin' off the cold You pretend it doesn't bother you but you just want to explode
Yeah, Most times you can't hear 'em talk, other times you can All the same old cliches, "Is it woman, is it man?" And you always seem outnumbered, you don't dare make a stand Make your stand
Here I am On the road again There I am Up on the stage Here I go Playin' star again There I go Turn the page
.... Out there in the spotlight you're a million miles away Every ounce of energy you try to give away As the sweat pours out your body like the music that you play
Later in the evening as you lie awake in bed With the echoes of the amplifiers ringin' in your head You smoke the day's last cigarette, rememberin' what she said ....
Here I am On the road again There I am Up on the stage Here I go Playin' star again There I go Turn the page
Here I am On the road again There I am Up on the stage Here I go Playin' star again There I go There I go |
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| from a samurai |
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| 03:00am 07/07/2004 |
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mood:  sworn music: Duncan Sheik - Serena
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So what, life's rough You should get over yourself Like everyone else and enjoy The girls and the boys And everything in between Serena, in an effort to aviod The things that annoy you You hide-far, far away And life just passes you by
Serena
Are you gonna give up Are you gonna give out Ain't that a shame You've got no one to blame But your conscience If it doesn't make sense I know that only to well So tell me Did it happen one day When the day that you faced Wasn't happening It just didn't bring Anything more Anything more than despair
Serena Serena
Do you remember, the morning would come And just like a child filled with the sun And the hours never seemed long Where have those days gone? Beyond us... Or so you would believe But I can't agree, those illusions Will you ever get through them And find the diamond, Find the diamond inside
Serena... Serena... Serena..
Will you? |
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| 03:01am 01/07/2004 |
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mood:  nostalgic music: Audioslave - Like a Stone
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" 'You think a man can change his destiny?' 'I like a man who does what he can until his destiny is revealed.' "
Aye, me too. No man can claim to have done all he could, but I've tried. I'm doing alright.
Just because somethings antique or outdated doesn't mean it's wrong. Sometimes it can be more right. I look forward to being washed over by this globe. I cannot survive here. If I am destroyed by this place, the ills I see, then I know I have lived well. I know I have not sold my soul to them.
" 'Every soldier has nightmares...' 'Only one who is ashamed of what he has done.' 'You have no idea...' "
And these nightmares keep me in check. They keep me guarding over sleepy women who dont have much time to sleep. They keep me grounded in the best way. I hate them, but they keep me.
So what's it all for? All this honor crap I try to live by. The perpetual struggle to obtain the pastoral. What's my motive for meditation, practice, and the fight?
"A lotus blossom is a rare thing. One can spend his life searching for one and it would not be a wasted life..."
These antique hands have, and will continue to. Too much. |
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| Pride |
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| 12:07am 23/06/2004 |
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mood:  chipper music: Nas - A Warrior's Song
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They can't break me or shake me. They're too fake to come kill me. Think they faith this was satan. They mistake me I'm filthy. Rich off the ghetto madness, so now they wanna dare me; it's gonna be a murder. Confront me; the burners are empty... Middle Passage, I made it. I'm from the land of David. The Nazarene of Bethlehem: they had me wrapped in blankets That bunch of backward gangsters, That sign of affidavits Snitches with smile-like faces got you blowin' trial I hate this Hopin' my child can see through this, tryin' to be a good daddy I was there when she was born. and she'll be there when I'm buried Kind o' waitin' is scary... All my years have prepared me... What I fear is my temper... I see straight to the center.. Right through a man's soul, Straight through his eyes, straight through his heart, I'm still alive how did I make it this far? 'Cause I been high, I been low, searchin' for a way to go Every single night I pray. And Lord I'm on this battleground, lost just waitin' to be found I guess it's just a warrior's way
This is the song, for my warriors A warrior song Bravehearted and strong, definition of a warrior Definition of a warrior Gonna keep marchin' on, to the sound of her own beatin' drum
Fight 'til the fight is over, for my peoples I die see. When you thought they were soldiers they turned out to be nobodies I think they out to get me, helpless was livin' sinful If you was me all this pain I'm feelin would bend and kill you (I'm a Warrior) It only made me stronger But in my head it gets darker who wishin' evil on ya Sometimes I wish I was dead But I took heed to the cause. (I'm a Warrior, yeah) 'Cause I been high I been low, searchin' for a way to go Every single night I pray/ And Lord I'm on this battleground, lost just waitin' to be found I guess it's just the warrior's way...
Last night, rather than sleep as I planned,I had quite the bit of fun. I escorted my friends tree to tree, bush to bush, gutter to gutter, and escaped our pursuers with true skill. I and my closest were no further than five steps from the party in question at our closest meeting. They did not see us.
Vive Le Resistance.
I made my first kill with a bow today. A rat who ran perpendicular to me as I target shot. I simply aimed quickly and fired from instinct. His back broke and I pierced his side. Convulsions. I finished him off with a shot to the head.
I learn quickly, it seems.
I sometimes love the dark arts. |
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| on Good Times |
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| 12:24am 21/06/2004 |
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mood:  amused music: Fan whirring
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I sat in the back of a dented Mitsubishi De Coupe with my 7 yr old nephew yesterday. His soprano voice and my baritone were set to the followinf song. I didnt sing it all, I left out words and phrases so as he was the lead vocal and I the accompaniment. We actually had a good sound; the boy can sing, and I accompany well. I suppose we both sang with alot of emotion. He actually seemed like he meant it. Good times.
It's gonna burn for me to say this But it's comin from my heart It's been a long time coming But we done been fell apart Really wanna work this out But I don't think you're gonna change I do but you don't Think it's best we go our separate ways Tell me why I should stay in this relationship When I'm hurting baby, I ain't happy baby Plus theres so many other things I gotta deal with I think that you should let it burn
When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to Even though this might ruin you Let it burn Let it burn Gotta let it burn
Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you Hate the thought of her being with someone else But you know that it's over We know that it's through Let it burn Let it burn Gotta let it burn
Sendin' pages I ain't supposed to Got somebody here but I want you Cause the feelin ain't the same found myself Callin' her your name Ladies tell me do you understand? Now all my fellas do you feel my pain? It's the way I feel I know I made a mistake Now it's too late she ain't comin back What I gotta do now To get my shorty back Ooo ooo ooo oooo Man I don't know what I'm gonna do Without my booo You've been gone for too long It's been fifty-leven days, um-teen hours Imma be burnin' till you return (let it burn)
When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to Even though this might ruin you Let it burn (let it burn, let it burn, you gon'learn) Let it burn (gotta let it burn) Gotta let it burn
Deep down you know its best for yourself but you Hate the thought of her being with someone else But you know that it's over We know that it's through Let it burn Let it burn Gotta let it burn
I'm twisted 'cause one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on On the other side I wanna break down and cry (ooooh) I'm twisted 'causeone side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on On the other side I wanna break down and cry (yeah)
Oo oo oo oo oo ooo Oo oo ooo (can ya feel me burnin'?) Oo oo oo ooo oo ooo
So many days, so many hours I'm still burnin' till you return
When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to Even though this might ruin you Let it burn Let it burn Gotta let it burn
Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you Hate the thought of her being with someone else But you know that it's over We know that it's through Let it burn Let it burn Gotta let it burn
It was sunny, and I felt black again. I leaned back and put my head in the sunlight pouring through the rear windshield. I took a sip of Johnnie Walker, and found myself home from the small, ineffectual, pointless Juneteenth parade.
Good times. |
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| i'm in the dark here, you understand? I'm in the dark... |
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| 12:51am 10/06/2004 |
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mood:  relaxed music: Silence
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Scent of a Woman lets me know its ok to feel how i feel about things, the women I've loved, my ethyl, all the beauty. It reminds me that its ok for a man to use his nose. And for a warrior to drag his head in shame, even if he is a good warrior.
Slade and I have the same ambition, and the same defects.
For one, we both juggle hand grenades... |
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| they didnt turn the lights on in the theater, we couldnt see our way out |
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| 12:19am 09/06/2004 |
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mood:  sick music: Dashboard Confessionals - As Lovers Go
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I always said I give every song a chance once. Can't hate everything a band puts out.
She said, "I've Gotta Be Honest, you're wasting time if your're fishing round here," and I said, "You must be mistaken 'Cause I'm not fooling. This feeling is real." And she said, she said, "You've gotta be crazy. What do you take me for, some kind of easy mark? You got wits, you got looks, you got passion, but I swear that you've got me all wrong, all wrong, but you've got me."
I'll be true. I'll be useful. I'll be cavalier. I'll be yours, my dear, and I'll belong to you if you just let me through.
This is easy as lovers go, so don't complicate it by hesitating. This is wonderful as loving goes. This is tailor made. What's the sense of waiting?
I said, "I've Gotta Be Honest, I've been waiting for you all my life. For so long I thought I was asylum bound, but just seeing you makes me think twice. The feel of you here makes me sane. I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my sight. You've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion, but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight? Tonight, tonight... You've got me..."
I'll be true. I'll be useful. I'll be cavalier. I'll be yours, my dear, and I'll belong to you if you just let me through.
This is easy as lovers go, so dont complicate it by hesitating. This is wonderful as loving goes. This is tailor made. What's the sense of waiting? |
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| 01:36am 29/05/2004 |
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mood:  amused music: Duncan Sheik - She Runs Away
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I noticed the other night, over some Walker and alot of alone down time, that there is a weird pattern with the women I've dealt with in this life. It seems that I am only graced with the presence of such beautiful, amorous, wholesome, poisonous creatures when they are in times and modes of darkness, pain, melancholy, fear etc. I have no place in their worlds when they find their happiness. This is a shame; i try very hard to help them to happiness. You gonna do that?
the song: You may not see the end of it, but luckily she comes around. It isn't what she talks about; it's just the way she is.
...and she says Ooh darlin', don't you know? The darkness comes and the darkness goes. she says Ooh babe, why don't you let it go? Happiness aint never how you think it should be so.
I mystified the simple life. I covered up with consciousness. I saw myself and broke it down 'til nothing more was left. She saw the symptoms right away, and spoke to me in poetry. Sometimes the more you wonder why The worse it seems to get.
...and she says Ooh darlin', don't you know? The darkness comes and the darkness goes. she says Ooh babe, why don't you let it go? Happiness aint never how you think it should be so.
She runs away She runs away...
And then you know there comes a time you need her more than anything. You may believe yours are the wounds that only she can heal. Then everything will turn around, and she becomes so serious. What she chose to offer you was all that you could have.
...and she says Ooh darlin', don't you know? The darkness comes and the darkness goes. she says Ooh babe, why don't you let it go? Happiness aint never how you think it should be so. She runs away She runs away |
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| omens, a list: |
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| 12:26am 19/05/2004 |
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mood:  anxious music: Gangs of New York soundtrack
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hehe, to me there are some spooky ones:
Loki bit me by accident. That happens to be the first time that has ever happened.
I dropped my knife today, switching from front grip to forward grip. I never do this. I was sitting on my couch. It hit a high fire goblet and bounced off slicing the thumb knuckle on my right hand. The blade chipped.
I went hunting this morning. I switched my style a bit, and my choice of my blade. I hit a duck; I can't say I meant to, or thought I could, he was probably about half a block away and I only had a small knife. I suppose it was my first kill. But he only bled and flew away, I couldnt actually eat him. This is as bad as Samuel hunting Buffalo before he was to War.
The other night the ship said we'd meet in Venice, again.
Four omens in like two days... I brace myself. |
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| you ever get a song stuck in your head you havent heard in years? |
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| 02:01am 17/05/2004 |
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mood:  indifferent music: Matchbox 20 - Hang
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this used to be my favorite song, a long time ago, in elementary school. It got into my head yesterday. I've been singing it far too much for my good. From memory, it goes:
She grabs her magazines. She packs her things and she goes. She leaves the pictures hanging on the wall.. she burns all her notes, and she knows she's been here too few years To feel this old.
He smokes his cigarette; he stays outside 'till it's gone. If anybody ever had a heart, he wouldn't be alone. He knows she's been here too few years to be gone
Well.
And we always say, it would be good to go away someday, but if there's nothing there to make things change If it's the same for you I'll just hang
The trouble, understand, is she got reasons he don't. Funny how he couldn't see at all, 'til she grabbed up her coat and she goes. She's been here too few years to take it all in stride, but still it's much too long, to let hurt go - let her go -
And we always say, it would be good to go away someday, but if there's nothing there to make things change If it's the same for you I'll just hang If it's the same for you I'll always hang
Well I always say, it would be good to go away, But if things don't work out like we think... And there's nothing there to ease this achin'... if there's nothing there to make things change... If it's the same for you, I'll just hang.
Yea. Scotch is good. Bareknuckling for two hours is better. Hang. |
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| 06:48pm 15/04/2004 |
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"when i try to analyze my own cravings, motives, actions and so forth, I surrender to a sort of retrospective imagination which feeds the analytic faculty with boundless alternatives and which causes each visualized route to fork and re-fork without end in the maddeningly complex prospect of my past." |
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| the record skips |
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| 01:22pm 07/04/2004 |
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mood: not a very good one music: Cat Stevens-The Wind, Lifehouse-Sick Cycle Carousel
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I listen to the wind To the wind of my soul (and it's howling) Where I'll end up well I think, Only God really knows I've sat upon the setting sun But never, never never never I never wanted water once (i didn't ask for anything) No, never, never, never
I listen to my words but They fall far below (far below even my expectations) I let my music take me where My heart wants to go I swam upon the devil's lake But never, never never never I'll never make the same mistake (usually) No, never, never, never
That lake he's talking about:
if shame had a face i think it would kind of look like mine if it had a home would it be my eyes? would you believe me if i said i am tired of this? now here we go now one more time i try to climb your steps i try to chase you down i try to see how low i can get down to the ground i try to earn my way i try to change this mind you better believe i'm tryin' to beat this when will this end? it goes on and on over and over and over again keep spinning around i know it won't stop 'til i step down from this for good i never thought i'd end up here never thought i'd be standing where i am i guess i kind of thought it would be easier than this i guess i was wrong now one more time when will this end? it goes on and on over and over and over again keep spinning around i know it won't stop 'til i step down from this for good this is a sick cycle carousel this is a sick cycle, yeah
next track... |
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| Lamentation |
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| 11:34pm 25/03/2004 |
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The poor soul sat sighing by a sycamore tree, Sing all a green willow: Her hand on her bosom, her head on her knee, Sing willow, willow, willow: The fresh streams ran by her, and murmur'd her moans; Sing willow, willow, willow; Her salt tears fell from her, and soften'd the stones;-- Sing willow, willow, willow; Sing all a green willow must be my garland. Let nobody blame him; his scorn I approve,-- I call'd my love false love; but what said he then? Sing willow, willow, willow: If I court more women, you'll couch with more men-- -Desdemona Act IV sc III
Hang her! I do but say what she is: so delicate with her needle: an admirable musician: O! she will sing the savageness out of a bear: of so high and plenteous wit and invention:-- -Othello Act IV sc I
My head hurts...and my eyes... and all think me strong, so no one cares to ask me word. I receive not hug daily, as some, nor does anyone question the movements of my soul, as I they. Women sing the savageness out of a bear...and leave him sleeping. Questions unanswered, and my words left without reply, I sit here and stare into blank space to the sounds of pissing, and snoring, and muffled tv, and the sounds of my own breathing: dragon's breath with sulfur and ash choking the very pipes.
I have just got through watching, then reading, William Shakespeare's Othello, and how I remember its old resonance. How I see his visions still, in my trances, and lament for his lamentation. How I have seen his visions many a time: the faces of suitors embedded in the hips of those gone, morphing into demon exes of coffee mug reflections so as they may take my place, Chasing Amy from east to hudson, brooklyn to bridgeport, less and more than ignored, for twice the guilt and pain. Oh all ye that feared this moor, this circumcised dog, I lay at your feet thus...
i am too much... and self destructive... they call me love, and I love you, and different, special, strong, irreplaceable, eternal, angel...Damnation!!! take your words from my head cursed ravens, you all lie against me... were i these things might I not feel this way... might I not be beguiled by myself... might I not relate to Othello, Gatsby, Rimbaud... fictions, all! all of us!
"There is nothing here but war and the murderin' cannons roar... and I wish i were at home in dear old Dublin..." |
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| sing me to sleep; place on my album |
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| 04:55pm 29/02/2004 |
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mood:  peaceful music: Damien Rice - Cannonball
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Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt Still a little hard to say what's going on
Still a little bit of your ghost, your witness Still a little piece of your face I haven't kissed You step a little closer to me Still I can't see what's going on
Stones taught me to fly Love taught me to lie Life taught me to die So it's not hard to fall When you float like a cannonball
Still a little bit of your song in my ear Still a little bit of your words I long to hear You step a little closer each day So close that I can't see what's going on
Stones taught me to fly Love taught me to lie Life taught me to die So it's not hard to fall When you float like a cannon
Stones taught me to fly Love taught me to cry So come on courage! Teach me to be shy 'Cause it's not hard to fall And I don't want to scare her It's not hard to fall And I don't wanna lose It's not hard to grow When you know that you just don't know
I can't make this any more more pithy than it is.. |
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